The Catcher in the Rye

On the road —— It is an attitude of life.

These days I am reading a book named On the road, written by Jack Kerouac.

After suffering half and a year's working at this hospital . after suffering a mental mess about the whole 2005, I made up my mind to quit this job and quit here . I will go for a long distance traval today. The train send off at 21:40 tonight .Then I will begin my traval. I Feel excited now.

It have been a long time I can't  calm down to think something and write them down. Because there are too much decadence and pessimism I don't want to note them down. I am in a mess.

The result of the exam came out weeks age and I failed.That was the exam  I haven't so cared before, so its outcome really frustrated me even though I had to admit that I didn't do enough preparation for it. The feeling of being a failure is always not good. I try to do something to detract my attention about it and summon up again. Then I go swimming and shopping and wandering my time in the internet...... Those can't work ! Now it seems so hard to find a friend be around to be counted on. They would just say " So what? Just try it again! "I know there is meaningless for me to expect encourage from others. The point is the one confront with your fate is yourself not others. So when you fall down and be frustrated , if you would not stop pursuing your dream , then you have to get up and be strong . Keep  steady steps and march on.

Things are always easier said than done. I hope I would be OK soon and get down into one more try.

It has been about half a month after the exam . I try to do something interesting and meaningful. Something as reading some books , doing some sports or other new things to me. But the fact always can't fit the will . I think I was kind of addicted to the internet and can't help being off from it for more than one day.  The first thing I did once I came home was to boot up my PC and get connection.then hanged on my MSN and QQ and logged into the forum. In fact there were always not so much things I want to chat with others and these days the forum was getting bored . I just wander most of the time. These days there is a loud voice in my deep deep heart echoing " The one who waste time is self-killing."  The internet could be wonderful if you make good use of it but be hurtful if you just waste time on wandering around .

So I decide to get rid of that Internet Syndrome and do something more meaningful .

Stop  being consumed my youth by that Net !

Busyness is always an excuse of laziness. It has been more than a month I haven't updated my blog.

These days I was really busy for preparing the coming exam. Thinking about how much it mean to me always upset me. Because ,till now, I am not confident on it at all. I can't even evaluate how much ratio I would pass it. There are only two extremities, absolutely pass or fail. I hate to do thing once again. Such pressure make me strained but motivated. It is really hard to concentrate on those excercises for more than 20mins. How can I take the exam for 260mins with only one break ? Terrible !

I had given up shopping, playing basketball for weeks but still seeing movies as entertainment. I think movie is a good thing that can remind me to reflect on my life. The busy rhythm of life make modern people forgetful. They always forget to notice how the weather is like outdoor until having to go out. They forget to give their family calls until the commercial festival aurae remind them of something. They forget how to reciprocate themselves the exhausted work untill illness comes. We seem always be busy for seeking the more ideal life but miss the
 valuable part of the realistic life. Regret always come after
 negligence and things would be late. Busyness in certain sense means blindness.

Having worked at a hospital about a year,  sawn many cases of departure and death, especially the young patients , I feel so sad for them that they have to spend their precious youth in the ward for treatment but enjoy pursuing the dream. The most frustrated outcome is that they use up all the money and hopeness but have to leave their families and the wonderful world.

These days I read The Unbearable Lightness of Being again, which isKundera’s most famous novel . Kundera plays with opposites: life and death, heaviness and lightness throughout his story. The reader can try to decide which life is happier: the light or the dark? What is "The Unbearable Lightness of Being?" It is the realization that, with no hope of knowing the right path from the wrong, there can be no wrong path. One is necessarily absolved of mistakes. The search for meaning in life leans towards the necessity of significance, which comes from a sense of weight. Are events forgiven in advance because they happen only once? But, is it also not unbearable that events only occur once as we can never go back and rectify our mistakes? Everyone wishes they could replay a past error; a lost opportunity, a lost love, a relationship that should not be. Is this not unbearable?! Is this not a weight we feel pressing down on us every day?

"How can life ever be a good teacher if there is only one of them to be lived? How can one perform life when the dress rehearsal for life is life?"
 

I dreamed I had an interview with GOD.

"So you would like to interview me?" GOD asked.

"If you have the time"I said.

GOD smiled" My time is enternity,what questions do you have in mind for me?"

"What surprises you most about humankind?"

GOD answered

"That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up and  then long to be children again.

 "That they lose their health to make money and  then lose their money to restore their health".

That by thinking anxiously about the future,they forget the present Such that they live in neither the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will never die and  die as though they had never lived

GOD's hand took mine and we were silent for awhile.

And then I asked"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your        children to learn?"

"To learn they cannot make anyone love them ,All they can do  is let themseleves be loved".

To learn that it is not good to compare  themselves to others.

To learn to forget by practicing forgiveness.

To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they  love and it can take many years to heal them.

To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most but is one who needs        least.

To learn that there are people who love them  dearly but simpley do not yet know how to express or show their feelings.

To learn that there are people can look at the  same thing and see it differently.

To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another but they must also forgive themselves.

"Thank you for your time"I said humbly.

"Is there anything else you'd like your children to know"

 GOD smiled and said.

"Just know that I am here",

"Always."

To get rid of my insomnia, I have relaxed myself for about a month and now I am still in a loose state. The deadline is coming closer and closer but my concentration on the exam is less and less. After work, I just want to fill full my stomach and have a deep deep sleep. On my free day, I 'd rather do some shopping than study. The thickly dotted professional sentences made me severe headache. I even had a stupid idea that why I suffered myself to do so much. I knew why, but mood came frequently.

To decrease depression, I always do some cleaning， such as mopping the floor and the window, washing the dishes, pack up my garderobe... clear up any dust in my sight, which means throw out the bother from my mind. That always can work in a short-term, like an exhilarant.

Another wave arose before the last one became smooth.

I had be doing a friend in need these days. Some of my friends were in trouble and needed my help.

One case was Yan 's bf was cheated and trapped by a unofficial multi-level marketing organization , which is called "chuan xiao" in Chinese. She was in the other city far far away from Guangzhou , where  her bf was trapped in. So I had to do a friend to do to help her. Once I got into this stuff, I fould I was so powerless I could not even help her to report that case to the police, who would be in charge of this case. They executant even ignored me for that small case.I really got mad. Small case is still a case.  The theory "there is no river except Yellow River" would not work in this situation. Anyway, this case ended up with a surprising end. Her bf was free finally and went back to Qingdao, the city he came from. Then I am free from her need now.

Another case was ......(It was kind of intricate I couldn't even know how to express that).

No matter meaningful or meaningless, Your schedule is still full filled.
Time goes, I have to move on.

After suffering from weeks insomnia, I started to find out what the problems are. Then I listed out three reasons.

Firstly and mostly, I am burdened too much stress by myself for the exam. Since in my history, I could always do well at most of the exams. I feel so little in handle for this one. It means me too much and I really care it. Then the stress comes.

Secondly, I have too many night shifts these days which almost switch my clock. Then it is unpossible for me to form a regular schedule. I have to follow my work schedule. What is worse, you could never have a nap when you are on shift. I never do that. Because I think I am still not salted enough to be calm to face to any case.

At last, I have to admit I still somehow miss someone. It seems there is always someone, at sometimes, in somewhere of your heart and it would rises up . That time all of your efforts you had try to forget he/she failed. I care much of my pride and this time my pride gave in my real emotion . Maybe confess the fact can do sth to my insomnia. Your meet was just once chance , just the monment , only the crossing. Then you both have to move on. The rakish can never bother from any missing stuff. I was wrong judging myself and too over emotional. It makes the saying work, you can never say you are brave enough unless you are in danger.

There came the golden week of Labor Day. I had an excuse to relax. Even though I had to go work, still I went for meetings with my old friends , shopping ,sporting, plus gaming. Now the vocation is over . I am still drunk on the chinese chess addiction. I think I am a too extreme one. I hate my endless machine-like work then I like to engage in sth more human-like, sth I can think with my brain.

Anyway,  I have to face to the real life finally——work and exam.

This tuesday,  Dong asked me out to take some pics. She is a girl like to be with me, and like to be taken pics by me. Because I can always pic her in her favor moment. This time , I could notice how serious she was by my first sight on her decent dress, compared with her, I was as casual as usual, T-shirt and blue jeans. Any way I wanted to take some pics for my families. Dong was not pretty at all,I have to say.But she was self-conceited . She has a so-call Bf, a guy who was her pen friend years age , even lost contacted with each other, and got in touch with each other recently. They  never meet each other in reality till now but some pics, hand-writting, voice in phone and love sentences in SMS. In a word , Dong was in the plato's love style. I think it is really funny seeing her act so excited all day just for a SMS. Maybe you will never know what love is till you are the one in it. That day, I took many pics for her in a same scene even the same posture. I almost felt bored  for doing that. But to be a friend, I had to do that.Hehe......

At that time I wondered, if there is really the Mr Right I should dress for? Or woman just dress for their Mr Right? So where is my Mr Right? Maybe that was not a problem worth to think about, it is meaningless.

We had a good day. We walk around the "Er sha dao" and talked a lot and Dong always seems reluctant for the departure time coming. She treated me supper for picturing for her . What a kind girl she can always find an excuse to treat me.

After I went home, I viewed the pics in my Pc and tried to pick some to send to my cousins. That time I started to observe myself carefully which I hardly did before. Dim face , pale lips and a little overweight, I look really terrible. That all was because of my irregular life style, irregular meals and irregular sleep pattern. Reluctantly working at a tiring job for about two years, I get a bad habit to relieve my depression, eating. That made me gain about ten pounds weight. I am a so-call health educator in my professional field but I never live a health life myself. How can I be convincing to others.

These days I am on night shifts , there days on and three days off. It seems I have much free time for study . The fact is I can never have good rest . After work , I feel tired, kind of exhausted, but sleepless. I have a severe insomnia now. At first , to make good use of my time, I just stay up and do the reading, do my excercises , even clean my room. I try to consume my energy then I can sleep with a tired body. But I fail no matter what I do. I am afraid of the night coming or the so-call sleeping time coming. I know clearly that if one do not get enough rest then he/she could not do things effectively. And for my career, I have to be really alert when I am on shift. There is only one nurse for the whole ward in night shift then you should take good care of all of your patients. If there is an emergency case, you should promptly know  what should do. That is a matter about life. So I have to get my nerve tight on shift. After work, I am worried about my study .Sleeping too much then I have less time for study but if I have not enough rest I can not work well and study effectively. That brings the problem and I get the insomnia now.

Now I am on night shift , being with 40 patients in the ward. I should cherish my young and health and I should take good care of myself.

So I decise to take some Lorazepam after shift and have a good rest today.

Different people regard their birthday in different ways. Most adolescent like to celebrate that special day with their friends, families. It is a moving scene when all of your friends line around , bringing you a birthday cake ,with lighting candles, singing birthday song. Then you are the chief.Once my friend held that birthday for me in surprise. But I am not that kind of the chief enjoy doing that in fact.I was used to be alone and think about myself, my past and my future. Being alone can make me thinking clearer.

Today is my birthday. Around me, no friend, no family, when they all can not be with me only by a phone call . Then I suddently feel lonely. I am on night shift tonight and will take all my day time sleeping . Here are 40 patients with me at the ward, one is severely ill. Thanks Godness tonight nothing emergency or special have happened. Working in the hospital about two years, having seen man from born, ill , dying to dead, now  I value the present more than the future. I realize taking too much time dreaming is just wasting  time. What you can do and what you obtain now is the most important stuff. God know the far far away future but I know what I want now. What I can do is to reduce my big big ambition to just a step far away . I could reach it by matching on a small step. Then I can die with satisfaction.